Humorous definitions…or the vibration is a motion that cannot make up it’s mind which way to go…
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except you to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Reasons you come up with to have kids do things which can’t be explained logically.
COUCH POTATO: What you find under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FOOD: The response you usually give in answer to the question
“What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM.”
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at them.
GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which you assign to a different family member each week, then wind up doing yourself
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if someone ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once you have spent a minimum of half an hour getting them
ready to go outside.
“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to you.
JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.
JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
JUNK: His stuff.
LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where you buy powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and set up a
table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
LIE: An “exaggeration” you use to transform your child’s papier-mâché’ volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically makes you look better while making your young daughter look “like a tramp.”
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
“MOMMMMMMM!”: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which you can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so you will have someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing new shoes into it.
PURSE: A handbag in which you carry the checkbook and keys you can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food
restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery
list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the
birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has
left for college.
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility
bestowed on you when you inadvertently miss a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from
watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactment of famous
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.
SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds and even pneumonia.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting with that person
who has yet to understand your child’s “special needs.”
TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS.”
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure
to be in.
VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all,
only to find it there, too.
VERBAL: When a toddler is able to whine in words.
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean jeans,
permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads
“WHEN YOU FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement
of time between crime and punishment.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein you plan
to sell kids’ outdated toys and clothing that you decide at the last
minute are treasured mementos you just can’t bear to part with.
ZILLION: Amount of times you must have gone to the supermarket
already this week.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
before kids refuse to eat it.
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
“Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”
— Judy, age 8
“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife!”
— Tom, age 5
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” — Mike, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.” — Jim, age 10
“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry her and have kids with her. It’s the right thing to do.” — Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!” — Lynette, age 9
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” — Kenny, age 7
WHY LOVE HAPPENS
“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”
— Jan, age 9
“One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.” — Andrew, age 6
“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” — Harlen, age 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” — Roger, age 9
“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” — Leo, age 7
WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them. — Gavin, age 8
“They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing.” — Jennifer, age 9
QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.” — Ava, age 8
“Sensitivity don’t hurt.” — Robbie, age 8
SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” — Del, age 6
“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” — Alonzo, age 9
“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French-fries usually works for me.” — Bart, age 9
“Shake you hips and hope for the best.” — Camille, age 9
“Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs … and don’t worry if their parents are right there. — Manuel, age 8
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.” — John, age 9
“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food.” — Brad, age 8
“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are…on fire.”
— Christine, age 9
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, “I LOVE YOU”
“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.” — Michelle, age 9
REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.” — Greg, age 8
“I know one reason kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.” — Gina, age 8
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?
“Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.” — Arnold, age 10
“All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark.” — Sherm, age 8
“When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.” — Wendy, age 8
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” — Tom, age 7
“Don’t forget your wife’s name…That will mess up the love.”
— Erin, age 6
“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.” — Randy, age 8