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Miserable Times, Employed or Not

March 17, 2009 1:23 am

Things for the Employed to Be Miserable About

  • Having to fire people Not being able to fire the ones who are really annoying
  • Living in constant fear of being fired
  • Calculating how much longer you’ll have to remain employed to pay for your children’s education
  • Listening to people constantly telling you how lucky you are
  • Having no excuse for your immense feelings of self-pity
  • Having to fill out complicated requisition forms to get a new pencil or stapler
  • Not being able to buy your mistress presents on your expense account anymore
  • Business lunches at Denny’s
  • Holiday parties in the company basement
  • Having to work twice as many hours because half of your coworkers have been laid off
  • Seeing those former coworkers on the street and hurrying guiltily in the other direction
  • Unemployed friends who assume drinks are on you
  • Furtively working on your resume “just in case”
  • Trying not to let your boss see you working on your resume
  • Officemates with hygiene issues
  • Eating lunch at your desk
  • Wage freezes
  • The melting polar ice caps
  • Your own mortality

Things for the Unemployed to Be Miserable About

  • Knowing exactly who’s sleeping with whom on Guiding Light
  • Daily concerned phone calls from your mother
  • Spending all of your newfound free time eating
  • Being expected to help out with household chores
  • Getting less pity than you expected
  • Going on endless interviews
  • Not going on any interviews
  • News stories about 700 people applying for janitorial positions
  • Having no excuse not to go to the gym anymore
  • Having to admit that you’re unemployed when attractive strangers ask what you do
  • Not being able to buy your mistress presents anymore
  • Having to tell your children you’re canceling the trip to Disney World
  • Eagerly anticipating the latest Lifetime movie of the week
  • Calculating how much you can get for that family heirloom ring on eBay
  • The day your severance runs out
  • The day your unemployment runs out
  • The melting polar ice caps
  • Your own mortality

via Lia Romeo and Nick Romeo on Miserable Times, Employed or Not: FiLife (a WSJ partner).

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